Have you ever felt the need to be seen? To be genuinely loved and cherished. Before I get ahead of myself, writing about Aquarius man was not as much fun as I had imagined. To put it in better words, at times the present moment might be unsatisfying, but the worst distress I’ve yet discovered is going backward.

For those who are unfamiliar with me, my name is Jazmine Warrior, and this is the story of how I ‘believe’ I found my soul mate. I’m not sure about you, but I’m sick of masking my true desires for love. In case you have forgotten, I’ve been dumped three times thus far. Mr. Noble, Michael, and Kabelo. If you haven’t read part one of Aquarius Man, kindly do so before continuing.

Initially, writing about the dilemmas I encountered was emotionally challenging. I thought that it would be easier now that I am in the arms of my true love, and how naïve I was to believe that all his tenderness would erase my baggage. This took a toll on me, and I began to wonder if I had truly healed, and if so, why did I feel the need to bring up former interactions rather than focusing merely on Aquarius man.

Nevertheless, no matter how hard I tried to escape the thoughts and put off writing, I realized there was no other way to write about him. This is how the story must begin; you see, in my prior existence, I’d like to believe I was not purposely hurt. Perhaps I was simply knocking on the wrong door. Then again, the situation was created by me. Perhaps all I had to do was practice celibacy. The plan after Mr. Noble was to be alone, but this time be a little smarter and avoid falling as easily and quickly. Though I was an emotional ticking bomb, I didn’t know how to cope with my heartbreak, so I buried it in the darkest parts of my mind, oblivious to the fact that I needed to confront it. Instead, I spared the pain by finding an escape in another, which only resulted in the creation of more storage, which was filled with nothing but avoidance. I gradually began to doubt the existence of real love.

This time, I wanted a companion, someone I could call a friend while still using as a snack. I wanted someone to whom I could confide about my decisions without feeling criticized but rather embraced. Tau filled that role for me because I craved for someone there who didn’t have high expectations of me but was content to simply be present. Tau and I connected right away. However, I’m not sure whether it was her intention to set us up when I met him through a mutual friend. He was a rugby player who had recently ended a five-year relationship and was attempting to regain his footing like any other university student. He simply wanted to be heard and held. We were both hurting so the last thing we wanted was to complicate our situation. We sat throughout the night talking and although he was drunk to remember anything the next day, that evening he asked to be my sleeping partner.

I started to enjoy his company since he didn’t put any pressure on me; instead, we spoke, played games, and cuddled until we fell asleep. The following day, I made the decision to accept our friendship. He was happy, and we got along for almost a month before he caught feelings. When I saw it, I should have left right away, but instead I warmed up to him and ended up agreeing to be more than we had anticipated. I should have left the moment I noticed that, but instead I warmed up to him and ended up agreeing to be more than we had planned. That was a terrible decision. Although I had taken a break, I continued to communicate with a few potentials, and the fact that Tau was still in the streets didn’t worry me. So, it’s not like I didn’t know he wasn’t ready for a commitment, but the more he kept persisting, my no eventually turned into a yes.  

Tau and I stayed in the same complex building, so in some ways it seemed inevitable that we would meet. The most of my days were spent with him, which let me escape the pressure and stress I had been feeling at school. I started to question my purpose and wondered if I was on the correct path. I was ready to drop out by that point, but I wasn’t sure I should. Being with Tau made my spiritual emptiness worse because he was an atheist. Even though I was touched in the right places and that we could talk about a variety of things, I was never able to honestly discuss my deepest problems.

Once more, I buried my pain and uncertainty. My dad on the other hand could tell I wasn’t okay, he kept trying to get me to open-up and talk every time I went back home. But it didn’t work. I continued being closed off from everyone who cared about me, until I began to make up lies about being fine. Tau was fun, outgoing, a hustler more of an extrovert just like me. However, he struggled being honest with himself. Within a week of us making it official, I went home for the weekend. I was unaware at the time, but towards the end of the second month I found out that he had an affair with his ex-girlfriend. From what you know so far, I haven’t discussed being cheated on before, and for some unknown reason, I thought that because I am the “it dot com,” no one would ever dare try to cheat. Unfortunately, I learned the hard way that there is no such thing.

Tau was good with his words; he knew what to say at the right moment and when I caught up with his lies by going through his phone, I suggested we part ways so he can focus on himself. Instead, he asked for forgiveness and told me a traumatizing story from his past to get me feeling like he truly needed me. And like the clown I was, I stayed. Making that choice was the beginning of my hatred on myself. Before then, I had sworn, like every other lady, that I would never forgive a dishonest man, but I did more than that. The relationship worsened; he continued to cheat from that day on for the next five months, and eventually when I realized that I was not as important as I had thought I had a breakdown. Resulting in me overdosing thinking that I can stop the pain. The next day, I awoke in a hospital bed with drips and bandages on both of my wrists due to self-harm.

One could think he’d leave me after that, but he came to see me at the hospital and said all the right things, which made me believe maybe he does love me and maybe I should give him another chance. I wish someone had taught me the genuine meaning of self-love because it would have saved me a lot of time and energy. There was a lot more that happened between Tau and I that simply spelled toxic. It got to a point where I was almost arrested for trashing his property. Again, choosing violence is not a choice, despite that I was highly medicated and drunk, all I did when I saw him with another lady at his place was see red. With all the back and forth and on and off, I overheard him telling his friends about me, telling them how crazy I was and how he just wants me off his back. Everyone was laughing and connecting over how stupid I was.

That evening, I ran back to my apartment, shouting suicide thoughts in my head, and I called my therapist, who blued ticked me instead. Weeks before, I spent drinking bottles after bottles, taking more pills to ease the pain, and overdosing for the second time. However, something changed that night. Hearing Tau make fun of me and my wellbeing, I finally realized I had to let him go. I had to help myself. When I was discharged, the first thing I did was flush all the drugs, from the anxiety pills to the painkillers. I poured all the bottles of alcohol down the drain. I went to the gym the next day and worked hard to pull myself back up.

It didn’t take long for my mind to return, but it was too late for school; I had missed all my classes and important deadlines that I didn’t make it by the end of the year. My father was disappointed, and I had no choice but to tell him the truth. I expected him to send me to my aunt’s house, but instead he supported me in getting back on my feet. The plan was to return home and take a year off. Months passed and I was back to smiling, going out, and being the Jazmine that I like.

I wanted to say goodbye to the city of gold two weeks before I moved back home, so several of my friends and I decided to party one last time. I was still vulnerable mentally. I’d given up trying to figure out if God was present. Physically, I was in fantastic shape, which restored my confidence, even though I spent my nights crying. I knew I was crying this time because I’m fighting against obstacles to go flatline for good. Then there was Aphiwe Madikizela; that evening, all I remember is looking fabulous. I don’t recall ever seeing or speaking to Aphiwe, blame that on the alcohol intake. I awoke to a text message that he’d sent from my phone to himself to guarantee he had my numbers.

I honestly thought nothing of it at first, and we kept trying to make plans to hang out, which always fell through, until the weekend arrived, and he insisted on meeting. Obviously, I had to get my girlfriends to come with me because I had no idea who he was. I was nervous when I arrived at his apartment, and I kept telling myself that nothing would happen with him because I was going back home to mend… Clearly, that was a lie. We kissed after only a few hours of hanging out and believe me when I tell you, the moment felt amazing. Something that caught me by surprise was how we spoke about our problems instead of who we are. He mentioned his previous five-year relationship, talk about deja vu. We talked about why I’m returning home and whether it’s a smart decision. Later that evening we went out and I disappeared on him. The truth is that I was a mess, and as we were talking, I realized that he liked me, so I took a step back. When I returned, he was sitting outside, and he was sad. “I thought had you’d left me,” he softly said. I’m not sure what he meant by that, but it made me think of him differently. I couldn’t understand how a stranger cared about me; perhaps it was the game, but I assumed it was fate. I thought that maybe this was a second chance to feel again, even if it’s just for one night.

It didn’t take long for me to spend the entire weekend at his house, and the Sunday before I left, he asked if we can make it official. This was the first red flag I ignored; he came to that conclusion after looking through my phone, and the thought of him seeing me interacting with someone else irritated him. He offered me a lovely script on how he can get me an apartment, which earned him points because I didn’t want to go back home, as well as words on how we can get to know each other while being in a relationship and how he couldn’t afford to lose a “precious jewel” like me. Every part of me fought the urge to be with him simply because I didn’t know him, but I ignored the voice and thought of how wonderful it would be to be able to return to Jozi. Although I refused the apartment, I agreed to be his lady, and we began a long-distance romance.

One thing I can’t fault Aphiwe for is how well he knows how to treat a woman. Everything was going smoothly between us throughout the first month. I’d chosen to cut all my potential lovers and start fresh with this stranger. This time, I assured myself, “I’m doing it the right way and being honest.” I went to see him after the second month, and on the third night, I decided to look through his phone. It just felt too good to be true, and I needed to know if this is it. I found what I was looking for, and he had girls on girls, just like a typical man, who he promised sweet nothings to, just like he did to me. The majority were coworkers, with others I figured were his “friends.” Instead of stirring up trouble, I kept my thoughts to myself and opted to stay.

If you had asked me why I stayed back then, I would have lied and said I don’t know, but the fact is that I stayed because of the things he got for me. I stayed because I didn’t want to be alone; having someone to call every morning and evening helped me feel better about my existing situation, which was living at home and feeling like a failure. Aphiwe understood me as well; anytime dark thoughts invaded my mind, he knew exactly what to say. I had forgotten that I’d pledged not to fall in love, but how quickly that promise crumbled. Although I could talk to Aphiwe about a few things, I couldn’t tell him I knew I wasn’t the only baby in his life, so I called an old acquaintance who I never dated but ended up in the same bed whenever I was single. Thabang was a wonderful guy who helped me heal from Tau and always gave solid advice; unfortunately, he wanted more than what I offered him.

I messaged Thabang because I needed advice on how to cope with Aphiwe. I didn’t know how to separate my feelings, and even though I knew I should leave, I didn’t. Thabang urged me to pray and that eventually I would find the appropriate way to handle things, but he also questioned how we’ve known each other for a long time, why is it that I am not with him. Instead, why do I continually end up with toxic men? The truth is that once one becomes familiar to a particular trait or pattern, it is difficult to break that habit; another reason was that I was afraid. I’d rather have gone through the storms with a stranger than with someone I care greatly about. Even though I found myself in relationships, deep down I knew it wouldn’t work out. I would remain to find out why, but it wouldn’t change that I didn’t believe in forever. I never wanted to take that risk with Thabang, so I ran elsewhere.

It was Aphiwe’s birthday eight months later, and he wanted us to go on our first vacation. I happened to mention Thabang to him four days before his birthday, forgetting that he had gone through my phone once, so of course he knew who Thabang was, and the story of us just being friends didn’t fly with him. The day of his birthday, I was in the shower while Aphiwe went through my phone, only to uncover messages that made him feel emotionally cheated on. I won’t lie; I had no business being in a relationship with anyone. I didn’t understand what “I love you” meant, and at that time it seemed like a phrase I only uttered when someone else did. Maybe it was just a reflex, or maybe I was attempting to figure out what love meant without even realizing it.

When Aphiwe saw that I said the three-letter words to Thabang, he flipped. He didn’t say anything the rest of the day, until he got tired of me asking whether he was okay. He was furious, and it was the first time I had seen him angry; he immediately wanted to book me a bus home, but I refused and told him we had to work it out. That day, I tried everything to have him forgive me, but he continued telling me of. I recall contacting my friend Kyle, whom I met during my time with Tau. She was my neighbor, and through my down ships, we grew more like sisters. She reminded me that Aphiwe has been cheating since day one, and that the only reason he is upset is because he feels entitled and expects me to be boo-boo the fool. It all made sense, and I stopped feeling sorry for myself because we were both to blame. When I told him the truth, he denied it and said I was simply searching for excuses. We went out on a double date later that day with his friends. The entire day was unpleasant, and I was torn between fighting for him or calling it quits. Though I didn’t know much about love, I knew I was never the sort to leave, even if it was the only option. So, I decided to stay and figure out how to show him that Thabang was not a problem.

We returned to his apartment that evening and were bickering in the uber on the way back. You see, throughout the entire eight months I’d been with Aphiwe, I’d been keeping tabs on whether he was still seeing his other women, and some days, I’d find myself in the same room with them, and he’d play it off casually. Every girl knew who I was, but they had no idea I knew who they were. I put up with all that humiliation while listening to him lie continuously. Only for him to conclude that I am the evil guy, and he is innocent. Sorry, but I didn’t find that to be appealing. He was lucky that I simply spoke to him since after all the disrespect I received, it only seemed appropriate to return the favor. He, on the other hand, did not see it that way, and as soon as we entered the house, he pushed me against the door and strangled me. He was, in his defense, attempting to “calm me down.”

Now, given my family’s military experience, I had learned a few moves to fight for myself, but that night everything went wrong. First and foremost, we were both intoxicated; perhaps I provoked him with my screaming; perhaps he felt powerless because I knew the truth he sought to conceal; or perhaps I was simply knocking on the wrong door. I was really stunned that he put his hands on me, as he continued squeezing, he stared deep into my eyes and ordered me to quiet up. It’s natural to attempt to fight back, but as he drained the life out of me, all I did was stare back. In retrospect, I realized that I wasn’t terrified; rather, when he released me and I was able to catch my breath, I tossed everything I could get my hands on at him. Everything was thrown, including the kettle, a wooden wine rack, and a knife, which he dodged while coming toward me. He choked me once more, and when he finally let me go, he slapped me. I slipped and landed on my face after losing balance.

My head began to pound, and all I could see was blood dripping from my mouth. He told me to get up while standing there staring down at me as if I had done it to myself. I was told that I had ruined everything. He went on about how much he loved me and how I had broken his heart. Security guards and his roommate arrived to investigate the noise, but I chose to run and lock myself in the room. The strange thing was that I didn’t think he was doing anything wrong; instead, I kept believing I had provoked him. We talked the next day; he seemed remorseful, and he took me to the dentist and a doctor for my knee.

I know what you’re thinking, but I didn’t see anything wrong back then. “We were both at blame,” I reasoned to myself. Kyle tried to show me the truth, but I was such a doofus that I couldn’t hear anything she said. I stayed, and we went on our trip as scheduled to Cape Town. When we arrived, it was as if we were a different couple, and we hadn’t just had our first fight. I met his brothers, and we created new memories together. We returned five days later, and the next week when I was home, he broke up with me, saying he can’t let the Thabang matter go and that it’s best if I sort myself out. He never confessed to his infidelity except gave me a simple apology for his actions against me.

Amphiwe’s story did not end there. Within a month, he returned, and there was the start of his game. I thought he was sincere, but it turned out that he had two other girlfriends over the two years we had been on and off. I kept catching him out on his deception, yet I continued to stay. He was convinced that I was a cheater and that I was unsuitable for a committed relationship. So much occurred between us that I had to make the decision to officially let him go because nothing positive was coming out of the situation. Constant arguing left me exhausted; I was tired of having to prove myself, and no matter how hard I tried, he had his own traumas to heal from, just as I did. We attempted to be friends, but he remained the same devious, manipulating character.

Weeks passed and I couldn’t help but feel empty, but I owed it to myself to be alone this time. “Take some time off,” my aunt suggested. That made me realize I didn’t know myself, which is why I never took the time to love myself. That explains why I squandered so many years looking for love in someone else. My father has shared with me several experiences about how I am not the only person who fights to find love and that, even though it doesn’t make sense why I put myself through all of that, if I take the time to learn from my mistakes I will come to my truth. I became more aware that I needed to heal. I just didn’t know how, so I did what he told me to do when I was in question. I said a prayer. I let it all go, cried, raged, whatever it took to just let it all go.

Unfortunately, there is no menu on how to love oneself, nor is there a handbook on how to fall in love or which men to avoid. The only way to find it out is to simply go through it. Looking back, I am not the proudest of myself, but I am glad I approached every situation with an open mind. I got to meet different versions of myself. For instance, with Michael, I learned my womanhood; with Kabelo, I recognized I am selfish and dislike sharing. With Mr. Noble, I discovered my voice and how to use it. Tau taught me that I am strong, and Aphiwe reminded me the need to love myself. Thabang taught me the importance of honesty.

Though it doesn’t make sense, I’d like to believe I’ve healed; that I’ve forgiven and accepted the past for what it is. The Past will not change no matter how many times one dwells in it. Instead, I changed myself, reclaimed my power, and channeled it into the proper areas of my life. Even though I was stressed about turning 26 and could have given up on love by then, I still cherished it in my heart. The absurd thing is that Aquarius man was right there under my nose the entire time, all I had to do was look.

I suddenly saw my true love with only one glimpse. As soon as I rested my eyes on his gloomy yet serene mocha eyes, I wished to start over and leave it all behind. I took his hand without a hesitation, not know anything about him other than our history and the charming letters he used to write for me in primary school till now. I made the decision to love again and eloped with the boy next door.

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Thank you so much for your support and for taking the time to read Part Two of Aquarius Man. Remember to share, like, and comment on Ozora’s Blog. If you haven’t already, please subscribe to stay up to date.

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