Posted on by Ozora T Seopa

Tricky Moments

Let’s play a little game…

Knock-Knock
Whose there?
Me…
Me, who?
Me who misses you.

To be honest, I do miss you. It’s been a long time since I’ve written. I’ve missed interacting with you. I do, though, miss being creative. I’m not sure where I fell through the cracks, but I do know that my plans have not yet been fulfilled. I believe I stopped writing because my emotions had taken over. By the same tactics, I convinced myself that taking a day off would solve my difficulties, but it took months, and here we are in 2022, and I’m still taking a break.

https://pin.it/3lHAXfh

I realize it’s unjust, and my stories certainly where not there to keep you warm and I sincerely apologize. Consistency is easier said than done. Another reason I’ve been absent is that I’ve been working on my website, which has proven to be more challenging than I expected. I’m still not pleased with the overall effect, so I keep changing my mind. It reminds me of the frustrating process I went through in search of the ideal niche for Ozora’s blog. However, I believe I was playing myself because the day I stopped writing was the day something within me died.

I know I seem theatrical, but you know I’m the queen of exaggeration, and somewhere in there is my reality, and its a part of me you’ll always get. Even though there were so many reasons for me to be cheerful, I will confess that the last few months have been dreadful. I chose to focus on the negative parts of my life, which were suffocating me. This piece is more of an update than anything else, so try read with an open mind. Second, if it starts to feel too much, try your best to fight the unpleasant feelings and accept this as it is.

I decided to write because I wanted an escape but instead writing brought me face to face with all the thoughts I had been avoiding. I needed to use my first-hand experiences to bring Jazmine to light in the last narrative I wrote, but I never really prepared to suffer a nervous breakdown. Writing Aquarius Man has made me realize that I haven’t fully healed, and I’m not sure where to begin. So, I stopped, thinking that taking a break from my craft would help me get in the right mindset. It was only intended to be for a week, but it turned into a four-month absence. Time has gone in the blink of an eye, yet I’m still more caught in my past than I’ve ever been.

The few days I had in 2021 were spent continually breaking down, trying to find out who I was, asking myself existential questions, and wondering whether all the past ghosts would end up leaving me alone. Mentally, I was a disaster, physically, I was out of shape, and emotionally, I was exhausted. I kept thinking about how hard I’d fought to get out of the dark hole, only to find myself back at the verge of suicide thoughts. The fact is that I had never accepted myself before, and after I did, I discovered I still had work to do.

Despite my doubts and fears, I continue to fight simply to live another day. I fight my mind, my surroundings, and I’m just to dang sensitive. I explained in one of my stories (Cool Kids) how I learnt to appreciate my emotional side, but to be frank, it’s a heavy load. Sometimes I think I’m doing good, and then the next thing I know, I’m kicking myself in the shins. I kept telling God how difficult life is and how I don’t think I can run the track much longer. I was disturbed by the faces of all those who had wronged me, and every time I saw them, my heart broke. I relived memories as though they had happened all over again. I knew I was not fine at this time, so I had to find a way to let it go, let them go, and forgive.

On the bright side, I am in a better mood. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining in the least…This is me acknowledging that I am emotional imbalanced. If you are wondering. My sixth therapist was the one who introduced me to the phrase. Prior to that, everyone diagnosed me with terminology that made no sense based on what I told them. But it wasn’t until she vocalized exactly how I felt when I had a breakdown that I finally realized twenty-three years later, what was causing my depression and anxiety. It all made sense as to why I never seem to be able to cope with life effectively.

Now I found myself understanding why I constantly feel like my heart and mind are at war with one another. It’s all because I have trouble controlling my emotions. “Pause for a moment and take a big breath in… Take a deep breath and exhale slowly. All you have to do now is introduce new coping mechanisms.” She would always answer politely. I liked her, and to say the least, all my earlier therapists couldn’t even come close to doing what she did in one session. Calm me the hack down. Isn’t it crazy?

Anyway, I haven’t given up on my vision for Ozora’s Blog, and as much as I wanted to jump right into publishing on the new site, I opted to bring you along for the ride instead of withdrawing. Now, I won’t guarantee that I’ll post every day, but I’ll do my best to write and publish as often as I can. Originally, I planned to update every Sunday, but that will not be the case for the time being. Please bear with me, and remember that, like you, I’m trying to figure it all out and learn as much as I can without any prior knowledge of what it means to be an adult in this fanatical world.

With that in mind, keep an eye out for part two of Aquarius Man. Yes, it’s completed and ready to read. For the time being, spread the word and prepare for a lengthy read. Thank you very much for your time and understanding. You are indeed fantastic. Please follow @Ozora.art.blog on Instagram to receive notification.

If you or someone you know is battling with suicide thoughts or any mental illness, seek help. Please don’t hesitate. It’s a topic that none of us enjoy discussing, yet it’s a matter that most people endure. Let us strive to be better for ourselves and others by lending a helpful hand. On www.awakeningstreatment.com, you may learn more about emotional imbalance at What Does it Mean to Have an Emotional Imbalance? – Awakenings Treatment Center.

Thank you, and I hope to see you soon.

😉

Posted on by Ozora T Seopa

My heart is broken

What I wore on the funeral day.

Howdy…

This may come as a surprise to you. Why am I here posting instead of concentrating on academics, as I previously stated?

I hope you can tell on what you’ve read about me so far that I’m an emotional person. I get moody from time to time, which causes me to withdraw from the world and, more significantly, from those who care about me. I consider myself fortunate to have friends and family who understand and support me for who I am. Regrettably, I am not my typical self today. Yes, I am grateful to be alive this morning, but not everyone in my family can say the same.

Lauretta Maphaka Teffo was an angel sent from on above who came to earth to fulfill her dreams of becoming a tenacious community leader, an elegant mother, a supporting sister, a compassionate friend, and a tranquil daughter.

RIP

To be truthful, I didn’t know Miss Teffo very well, but I saw her at family gatherings all the time, and she always complimented my appearance. One thing I knew about her was that she was polite and kindhearted. My mother and I have always viewed ourselves as queens, and as a result, we have chosen to remain rooted in the Lord and his word. Unfortunately, this might make others feel uneasy since something deep inside them is being challenged. Nonetheless Sesi Laula adored my mother and me from the moment she met us. She would communicate with my mother daily.

They spoke about anything and everything, but their daughters were always a topic of conversation. They used to tease each other about how similar their lives were. My mother experienced a genuine connection and sisterhood with someone for the first time, and it made me happy. Sesi Laula’s ability to make my mother happy made me happy.

My sister Laula died last Thursday, and I found out about it on Thursday. I was unsure who my mom was talking about at first until she provided me a photo of her. When my mother returned from work, she found me crying. She attempted to console me by telling me to be strong and that she was resting peacefully, but she didn’t realize I wasn’t grieving because Sesi Laula had died. I, on the other hand, was grieving for her daughter. Remember the similarities I mentioned? Miss Teffo, like my mother, has only a daughter who is four years old. It crushed my heart to learn how being an only child leads to you becoming closest friends with your mother. I started screaming as if it had been my mother who had died.

Who will she now confide in throughout her day? Who would she turn to for advice now if a boy bothers her at school? Who’s going to tell her jokes purely to make her laugh on days when she’s in a grumpy mood? Lord, who?

“I am the resurrection and the life,” you stated in your word. A person who believes in me will live even if they die, and a person who lives by believing in me will never die.” I know she’ll be alive in her heart, and I know her spirit will be there to help her. Yet I can’t help but weep for her. Who will continue to pamper her like a princess and acquire whatever she desires? Who is going to instill in her the value of education? Who will teach her the value of being a woman and the roots we all have deep within our souls?

“If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord,” you said. I understand that whether Sesi Laula lives or dies, she belongs to you Lord, and I recognize that accepting a loss is difficult because death is not a wedding one can plan for. We have no choice but to rely in your plan because it emerged out of nowhere. All I ask is that you continue to be there for her, as you have been for all of the other young girls who have lost their mothers.

Continue to be there for her, same as you were for all the other daughters who lost their mothers before they could see them marry. I ask that you remain to be there for her in the same manner that you have been there for all the females who have lost their mothers and beat the odds to become accomplished and educated. You’ve never abandoned any of them, and I have faith in you to never abandon her.

With that said, Father, I know you have heard my cry.

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Posted on by Ozora T Seopa · 2 Comments

Cool Kids ;)

What’s this?

It’s 2 p.m., and I’ve just finished posting my first story! This is insane, I’m now a blogger. As you can see, I’m enthusiastic, which explains why I couldn’t sleep on Friday evening. Anyway, it was not a total disaster because I was able to write and get some beauty sleep on Saturday afternoon.

I hope you’re having a lovely Sunday so far, and before I get started, make sure you have a cup of tea. That is, if you are a tea fanatic like me. If not, I’m good with whatever soothes your spirit as long as you’re happy.

Have you ever considered who you are as a person? Do you ever sit back and consider why you do the things you do? Well, I’ve recently learned the value of self-reflection. To be honest, taking time for myself assisted me in falling in love with the woman I am now. It may have taken me a good twenty-four years to be completely happy, but if I had the chance to rewrite my tale. There isn’t a single thing I would change. Because I learnt that every decision we make leads to a new experience, and all those bad decisions I made as a youngster led me to having days of joy.

I believe I’ve always been a cool kid. Everyone I’ve met seems to appreciate my vibe, and I know a lot of people, but that’s because I moved around with my mother, and I enjoy meeting new people. I suppose you could say I’m well-known. It’s safe to say that almost everyone has met the cheerful, noisy, humorous, risk-taker, party-loving gal. I’m not going to lie, groove is enjoyable. I love how every time I go out, I get to dress up and look pretty for the night and pretend to be the dancing queen.

But here’s the thing: people don’t know me at all. Yes, they have some knowledge of me. You see, much like a color, I come in a variety of tints. My heart can become stone cold black on occasion, but only if someone has done me wrong. If I notice you disturbing my serenity, I will immediately cut you off. On occasion, however, I am as luminous as the sun setting on a Sunday afternoon. Those are the days I enjoy being alive, and if I’m lucky, those are the days I’ll have met someone with whom I can share that part of me. I’m not kidding when I say my love is as deep as a river.

Even still, the fact that I didn’t love myself all these times still hurts. I couldn’t accept myself. I felt as though my nature was too gentle, and I wished I could be more selfish, oblivious to the fact that the world needed more humans like me. It took a lot of tears and wounds for me to see my own worth. Believe it or not, I was a nervous wreck. Don’t get me wrong: I’m still terrified and anxious, but remember that self-reflection I stated earlier? Accepting oneself is a necessity.

Thus, it is certain I can be insecure at times, and I have a problem with abandonment. Indeed, I am constantly overly attached and put my heart on my sleeve in every situation. So, when I am depressed for no apparent reason or don’t want to be alive on that day. I lie down and pay attention to my own heartbeat. I allow myself to cry and I allow myself to feel if I want to be unavailable that day. Let me start by saying that I love sleep, therefore when I’m sluggish, I sleep.

Undoubtedly, there are times when I have no idea what to say to God. I mean, I’ll want to talk to him, but I’ll be frustrated because I won’t be able to physically hear him or feel his touch. However, I take it as it comes. Knowing who God is and having a connection with him are two completely different things, and ever since I’ve been aware of this. I’ve discovered that I’m in love with God, and it’s because of that love that I’ve learned acceptance. I found accountability because of that love. I met kindness as a result of that love. Because of that love, I can love myself.

You may have a problem with cool kids, but keep in mind that we are all human beings trying to figure out what life is all about. Nobody knows what happens when we die, but we can all agree that finding the strength to get up and work every day is difficult. Because, while we all have ideas about how we want our lives to be, in the end, this life we are living is a borrowed one, and we will meet our creator someday. In the meantime, now that I’ve identified myself. I promise to try my hardest every day when I get up. I believe I will be able to handle, as long as God is with me.

With that said, it is critical to be kind to one another; rather than competing, let’s talk to one another. Let me hear why you woke up on the wrong side of bed today. Tell me why you’re having trouble mending from your heartbreak. Sometimes all one needs is someone to listen to them, which isn’t difficult.  So, if there’s one thing you should take away from this, it’s that everything will work out in the end. Allow yourself to consider the possibilities.

Thank You.

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