Let’s play a little game…
Knock-Knock
Whose there?
Me…
Me, who?
Me who misses you.
To be honest, I do miss you. It’s been a long time since I’ve written. I’ve missed interacting with you. I do, though, miss being creative. I’m not sure where I fell through the cracks, but I do know that my plans have not yet been fulfilled. I believe I stopped writing because my emotions had taken over. By the same tactics, I convinced myself that taking a day off would solve my difficulties, but it took months, and here we are in 2022, and I’m still taking a break.
I realize it’s unjust, and my stories certainly where not there to keep you warm and I sincerely apologize. Consistency is easier said than done. Another reason I’ve been absent is that I’ve been working on my website, which has proven to be more challenging than I expected. I’m still not pleased with the overall effect, so I keep changing my mind. It reminds me of the frustrating process I went through in search of the ideal niche for Ozora’s blog. However, I believe I was playing myself because the day I stopped writing was the day something within me died.
I know I seem theatrical, but you know I’m the queen of exaggeration, and somewhere in there is my reality, and its a part of me you’ll always get. Even though there were so many reasons for me to be cheerful, I will confess that the last few months have been dreadful. I chose to focus on the negative parts of my life, which were suffocating me. This piece is more of an update than anything else, so try read with an open mind. Second, if it starts to feel too much, try your best to fight the unpleasant feelings and accept this as it is.
I decided to write because I wanted an escape but instead writing brought me face to face with all the thoughts I had been avoiding. I needed to use my first-hand experiences to bring Jazmine to light in the last narrative I wrote, but I never really prepared to suffer a nervous breakdown. Writing Aquarius Man has made me realize that I haven’t fully healed, and I’m not sure where to begin. So, I stopped, thinking that taking a break from my craft would help me get in the right mindset. It was only intended to be for a week, but it turned into a four-month absence. Time has gone in the blink of an eye, yet I’m still more caught in my past than I’ve ever been.
The few days I had in 2021 were spent continually breaking down, trying to find out who I was, asking myself existential questions, and wondering whether all the past ghosts would end up leaving me alone. Mentally, I was a disaster, physically, I was out of shape, and emotionally, I was exhausted. I kept thinking about how hard I’d fought to get out of the dark hole, only to find myself back at the verge of suicide thoughts. The fact is that I had never accepted myself before, and after I did, I discovered I still had work to do.
Despite my doubts and fears, I continue to fight simply to live another day. I fight my mind, my surroundings, and I’m just to dang sensitive. I explained in one of my stories (Cool Kids) how I learnt to appreciate my emotional side, but to be frank, it’s a heavy load. Sometimes I think I’m doing good, and then the next thing I know, I’m kicking myself in the shins. I kept telling God how difficult life is and how I don’t think I can run the track much longer. I was disturbed by the faces of all those who had wronged me, and every time I saw them, my heart broke. I relived memories as though they had happened all over again. I knew I was not fine at this time, so I had to find a way to let it go, let them go, and forgive.
On the bright side, I am in a better mood. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining in the least…This is me acknowledging that I am emotional imbalanced. If you are wondering. My sixth therapist was the one who introduced me to the phrase. Prior to that, everyone diagnosed me with terminology that made no sense based on what I told them. But it wasn’t until she vocalized exactly how I felt when I had a breakdown that I finally realized twenty-three years later, what was causing my depression and anxiety. It all made sense as to why I never seem to be able to cope with life effectively.
Now I found myself understanding why I constantly feel like my heart and mind are at war with one another. It’s all because I have trouble controlling my emotions. “Pause for a moment and take a big breath in… Take a deep breath and exhale slowly. All you have to do now is introduce new coping mechanisms.” She would always answer politely. I liked her, and to say the least, all my earlier therapists couldn’t even come close to doing what she did in one session. Calm me the hack down. Isn’t it crazy?
Anyway, I haven’t given up on my vision for Ozora’s Blog, and as much as I wanted to jump right into publishing on the new site, I opted to bring you along for the ride instead of withdrawing. Now, I won’t guarantee that I’ll post every day, but I’ll do my best to write and publish as often as I can. Originally, I planned to update every Sunday, but that will not be the case for the time being. Please bear with me, and remember that, like you, I’m trying to figure it all out and learn as much as I can without any prior knowledge of what it means to be an adult in this fanatical world.
With that in mind, keep an eye out for part two of Aquarius Man. Yes, it’s completed and ready to read. For the time being, spread the word and prepare for a lengthy read. Thank you very much for your time and understanding. You are indeed fantastic. Please follow @Ozora.art.blog on Instagram to receive notification.
If you or someone you know is battling with suicide thoughts or any mental illness, seek help. Please don’t hesitate. It’s a topic that none of us enjoy discussing, yet it’s a matter that most people endure. Let us strive to be better for ourselves and others by lending a helpful hand. On www.awakeningstreatment.com, you may learn more about emotional imbalance at What Does it Mean to Have an Emotional Imbalance? – Awakenings Treatment Center.
Thank you, and I hope to see you soon.
😉
Ozora's Blog 